Ross and I have had a bit of a wobble over the past couple of weeks.
It began with Sam's departure. I was really glad to have the house back and to have our space back again. However, something didn't feel right and so, me being me, I pressed for some sort of answer. I started asking about civil partnerships. This time last year, we were talking about putting our relationship on a legal basis. Then things went quiet and it is now nearly six months since the topic was raised. I pressed for some clarity.
And what became clear was that Ross is no longer in a place where he feels confident in making that commitment.
For a good forty-eight hours, I was rocked back on my heels. I suppose, in all innocence, I had never seriously considered the possibility of Ross wanting to end this relationship. I just looked in horror at the practicalities of splitting up the home that we have made. I mean just what would we do with Nutkin and Jemima.
And then things started to look somewhat different.
For a start, I asked Ross what he actually wanted and it became clear that he doesn't know yet but that he is on a journey of re-evaluation. He is concerned that he has lost some of the passion from his work. He is concerned that he has missed out on the experience of being independent. But he doesn't know what it is that he actually wants nor yet how to achieve it.
What I have said is that I do not want this relationship to end - categorically that is not what I want - but that I will not prevent him from seeking what he needs to find.
I have asked him to reflect long and hard over what it is that he wants. I suppose that I am asking him to use what Quakers would call a process of discernment. And I have asked him to recognise that there may be all sorts of ways to achieve what he wants which do not mean putting an end to our joint narrative. For example, I'd be happy to contemplate him taking up a contract in another part of the country and for us to live apart for a while so that he can experience true independence. But I would want it to be clear that the end product of this is a return to continuing our life together.
Ross says that it is important to him that I have said that I will not stand in his way. He also says that he will need a goodly while to work out what he wants to do. He is clear in his own mind that he loves me and that any reasons that he may have for wanting change are not to do with wanting to get away from me. However, I do not doubt that what he is saying is that some things must change.
I was pleased that I had reiki on the Thursday night after all of this started. I wondered if much strong emotion would come to the fore. The answer was no. I felt remarkably calm. Janet was a font of wisdom. She simply noted that we had reached a growth point. Both of us are dissatisfied in some respects. We can take this opportunity to move towards a resolution wherever that may take us. If we remain true and honourable and kind, then, whatever the outcome, it will be good for us both.
I talked too with Gill. I reflected with her on the change within me and how I have reacted to the current circumstances. Earlier this year, after the car crash, I noted that I was taking that situation much less personally than I had when I was worried about being made redundant.
Well, you can't get much more personal than the possible sundering of a long-standing relationship. And yet, I view that whatever happens will be for the best. I still, categorically, do not want the Ross and David story to end but I also know that I cannot force Ross to stay with me if he does not want to. In those circumstances, all I can do is to postpone an inevitability to the point where it becomes bitter and horrible.
Gill also asked to be reminded of Ross's age. I told her 30. She said that he'll be experiencing his "Saturn Return" then.
One of the things that I love about keeping this Journal is the way that it stores evidence of the way that certain things keep cropping up or develop over time or must be returned to for further investigation. I knew that I'd encountered the idea of "Saturn Return" myself when Saturn found its way back into my star sign of Taurus. I just couldn't remember when. Searching facilities gave me the answer; it was 1998.
At that stage in my life, things had fallen apart and I was putting them back together again. All of that culminated in moving back to Merseyside in 2000. That was seven years ago now. Maybe there's more major change in the offing. I suppose we'll have to see what sort of change it turns out to be.
I pray for my loved one to reach some sort of heart's ease and I hope that he will achieve the knowledge that I can be a part of that.