Lush
20 May

Looking out of my study window, the back garden is looking incredibly lush at present.

As is most of the surrounding area. Verdure abounds.

However, given the amount of rain that we have been having this should come as no surprise. Whilst parts of the South East are contemplating hosepipe bans, we can virtually punt our craft up the sidewalks.

However, as a consequence, the amount of bright sunshine that has been coming our way has been strictly limited. So, I'm using the sun lamps at home and work to boost the work of the short arm of my seratonin transporter genes.

Mind you, most of the benefits of that have been offset by the work I have been doing to release negative energies from the past. I had a reiki session with Janet on Thursday night and the knock on effect of that has been a welling of much unidentifiable sorrow in my breast. However, armed with suggestions from Gill and from the two books I have been reading recently, I have been trying to allow myself to have the emotions and to release them and let them go from my body.

And, boy, is that not easy.

Friday at work was particularly upsetting. Word coming through indicates to me that life at Connect is going to be just one long treadmill over the next year. Our commitment to our JobCentre Plus contract is so resource draining that it is impossible to see how we can possibly seed any new growth in the commercial arena. We have a grindingly constant requirement to be customer-facing every day of every week and it is soul-sapping to be faced with the monumental tedium of attempting to offer training and development to a set of young men who (mostly) are not that interested in what's on offer.

So, I wrote an email to the Deputy CEO and told her what I felt in measured terms. And I said that the level of projected income from our JobCentre Plus contract in the next year will be so low that we would easily match it from commercial activities if we were free to pursue them. I don't know what will come of it. But at least I have said what I felt that I needed to say.

You might have felt that I had better things to do on my birthday.

But sometimes that is how the world turns.

I had nice cards and phone calls from family and friends and I pooled the birthday money and Ross bought me a digital radio to replace the cassette radio that I have used since I was seventeen. So, Friday night I sat in the bath and read and listened to music for the first time in a long time.

Saturday took Ross and I to the Continental Market which was taking place in Crosby village. It was rather good. We bought a good selection of olives, some onion bread and some loganberry confiture. We would have spent a lot longer there but for the fact that it was widdling down with rain.

Lunchtime, I met up with Roland and we went to St Faith's Church, home of the Crosby Symphony Orchestra, for an organ recital. In half an hour, we heard some very pretty works by Praetorius, Bach and Widor coupled with a Rhapsody by Herbert Howells and a Scherzetto by Percy Whitlock. Most pleasant and deserving of three stars.

The trend of attending local events continued into the evening with a trip to the Plaza Cinema to see Mission: Impossible III. I liked it.

It's been ten years since the first one which I think is still the best of the lot so far - Brian da Palma obviously loved the franchise. No 2 was just too off beam. This one muscled in somewhere between the two. I liked the plot twists and the fact that I was just about one step ahead of them most of the time. I liked the fact that Jonathan Rhys Meyers took his shirt off. What large nipples he has. And it was a pleasant enough way to pass a Friday evening. I'll hand out another three stars.

It won't be any surprize to any of you that I am continuing to mull things over.

Steve at work is fond of saying "Prior preparation prevents piss poor performance". Well, preparation is not, historically speaking, something that I do very well. Instead, I tend to react - be reactionary.

I dive in; jump away. I change career; change job. I jump at the chance to change my way of doing things. Though this is also the chance to prevaricate when things have settled.

I am good at the big picture; I am good at immediate detail. I am not good at the steps which move from one to the other. I need to look at the medium term

In terms of work, going part time with freelance options sounds good but I need time. I need to ask myself what I need to do/learn/build up in order to make this happen and then put in place the steps to achieve it.

I need to ask myself whether or not my Monday away from connect is vital. For example, can I use it to build up a practice of external verification or perhaps I can use it to become a JP.

I need to ask what it is that I require - focus, determination, vision, contacts, network, training, qualifications. And then I need to set about achieving them.

On Monday, I have an interview for a job with Liverpool City Council. Will this be another jump?