So, I woke up at 4am.
It's a long time since I've had proper nighttime anxiety but this was it fully fledged.
It all goes back to stuff at work. This week I've been asked to expand my training of our unemployed customers; I've been asked to take over some administrative duties while Jill is on holiday and the, last thing on Friday, I was asked to do some visiting of Job Centres to talk with PAs and drum up some more business.
And this it was that set my panic off.
Firstly, I am unsuited for this sort of work. It is sales not training. I am very shy. I hate going into strange places in the first place. Going in to sell something is just not my cup of tea at all. Oh, I know that this will get me out of the office and could be a bit of a lark but it actually fills me with dread.
And I ask why me? Well, it's because I am biddable and presentable and people mistake the fact that I can stand in front of a class for self-confidence.
And so I started worrying about how I was going to cope with everything. And then I worried about not doing the right thing. And then I worried about failing. I know rationally that just one new customer will actually pay for ten days of my time but that's not the point. Connect needs much more than that. We need lots more customers. So, if I fail then there are implications for the future of the company.
And so I started worrying about being made redundant and how at aged over 50 it would be difficult for me to get employment again. And then I realised I was worrying and that made me think that maybe I would have to go back onto medication and that worried me more. And then I could see a spiral of descent and I started to see me losing everything.
And this is how depression works.
One small thing throws me off kilter and all of a sudden I'm allowing myself to view the possibility of my world being torn asunder.
Well, I made it through to the morning and told all this to Ross who was sympathetic whilst telling me not to be silly. But then he has a cold so he isn't feeling so good himself.
And then I went out to the shops and everyone out there was feeling down with the post-festive blues and the low cloud.
So, maybe it's not just me and the whole world is depressed.
Anyhow, just to prove I have not lost it completely, here are three men - little Mickey on crutches and looking vulnerable, Philip Olivier with his top off and Jake Gyllenhaal showing us his back.