Bottoming Out
6 November

I've been thinking all week about the fact that Ross and I did not go to the Halloween Party on Saturday. It's been really bugging me.

*Scream* I was looking forward to having a good time. I'd bought a Scream mask with realistic blood effect. *Smiles* Actually, dressed up in the ensemble with my dinner jacket and scarlet bow tie, I looked rather elegantly sinister. I wanted to play godammit. And now I feel frustrated and deprived. Never good things for a David to feel.

The week's just felt like a bit of a nothing and this weekend with it. I feel tired and drained and nothing fits. Grumble, grumble.

Can I find anything positive to say? Well, yoga on Monday was interesting. No, believe me, I'm not digging as deep as you might expect. A lot of work that I have been doing in yoga and stuff over the past year or more has been to do with loosening up my lower back. Well, now the work seems to have transferred to my legs and my hamstrings which have been as taut as piano wire for many a long year.

So, when I do my forward bends now, I can actually touch my toes. For me, this is a considerable achievement given that they are so far away. And when I managed this, I achieved a sort of energy circle through my body and arms to my feet and legs back into my body again. And with the breathing exercise we were doing,

And I was taken back to an early time when I was troubled by an ingrowing toenail in my big toe. It was so painful that I wouldn't allow either of my parents to cut it out so I was taken to the doctor. I remember it was Dr Edwards and that it was in the old cottage surgery with its worn leather bench seats in the waiting room. I also remember the doctor telling my mum that you should always cut toenails straight across rather than on the curve as with fingernails and her giving him a very frosty response.

I thought I have been very brave allowing the doctor to cut out the ingrowing nail without making any sound of hurt. I was expecting my mum to praise me. However, she said that she had felt ashamed.

I've always felt very odd about this. Suddenly, as I was doing the breathing and the yoga, I could see the various viewpoints. The doctor, new in his job, anxious to give the best advice. The mother, feeling challenged, put out by this upstart. My mother wasn't ashamed with me. She was angry that she'd been put at her unease.

I've carried guilt since I was five about that event. And neither of my parents can remember it happening. But then I can't remember Philip Cheatham punching me in the eye when I was eight and they have vivid recall of that.