Autumn Tints
13 October

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I'm glad to be back in my own bed after having had house guests sleeping there for the past ten days - Rossi's birthday meal excepted.

I've had lots of clothes going through the washing machine so by the time the weekend arrives I shall have a completely clean set of bed linen once more.

What's happening in the world? Well, we've hit a real Indian summer with some glorious sunny days. But it's deceptive. There's a definite growing chill. The water in the pipes takes time to heat for the morning shower. It's too cold for tee-shirts but not yet cold enough for greatcoats.

A heavy early morning dew like a film of sweat covers the cars in the road. It's so intense that the lads on the way to school inscribe the names of their favourite football teams on the car windows. At the other end of the day, I'm beginning to see clouds of breath in the growing evening chill. And the light, the light at eveningtide has that golden autumnal quality.

Some of the trees are beginning to shed, the ivy next door and on the railway banks is turning a rich, ruby red. The Diwali fireworks have begun but there are fewer than I remember from years past.

And I find that on the Tube as well. There seems to be much less of a great rush than there was last year. Is it a real lack of pressure or a change in my attitude? I imagine a bit of both but I do think that there is a change this year.

Oh, yeh and I've started on the vitamin pills which is a real sign of autumn.

I has lunch with Chris and we talked on about Christmas. There's an expectation that if you're gay you're able to be available for the family Christmas. Somehow marriage and, particularly, children confer their own status so that it is permissible to make your own Christmas by your own hearth. After all, gays in relationships are only pretending at marriage.

I know that sounds cynical but, when I worked as an analyst programmer in industry, I was specifically told that I wouldn't mind working over the Christmas holidays so that the men with children could take time off to be with their families. I refused on principal, even though I would rather have taken the leave at another time if I'd been given the choice. It's the being a father that counts.

I had two uncles who never married. Even in their 60s they were known as the lads. Somehow by not propagating, they had by-passed some rite of passage and so were forever immature.

I'm building up to being hurt by my family. Earlier in the year, I had offered to host my mum and dad for Christmas and that we would go and visit Linda and Ian and Mary for Christmas Day itself. I was filled with trepidation about this arrangement but I was also looking forward to being the receiving venue and offering hospitality. I was also looking forward to waking up in my own home on Christmas morning.

However, now that Linda and Ian have moved into their new and larger house, I can see that Grace and Albert may well want to go and stay there because it is more comfortable and convenient and also places them nearer to their Granddaughter. And I shall feel shut out. And if I say that I want to be in my own place I shall be causing a fuss. Hey ho.