Friday morning and I wake up in bed with Ross. We spend a long time hugging. It's his last morning in this house as even a tenuous occupant. His task is done this week. All of his belongings are packed and ready to go. He himself leaves this afternoon.
It's also the day before Pride and therefore (though not to the exact date) the second anniversary Ross and my first meeting. I'm weeping as I type this. I said at the time that he was very cute. And I said at the time that the sex was fabulous. Both of those things are still true. What I couldn't have known then was that, two years later, he's played a significant part in my life and has brought me much joy (far more joy than sorrow).
He's said nothing but I know that he's been grieving. This time last year he was on top of the world. He'd completed a successful first year at college. He had a fabulous boyfriend, a lovely shared house, a comfortable lifestyle. It was a long term commitment with long term plans. Now, everything has changed and it's a sadness to let go.
Just to find out, I asked him what he'd do if I said that I'd made a mistake and wanted him to stay. He said no. He now has plans that mean that he will be in London for at least five years. So, maybe he's realising, as I have done, that what we had wanted is not necessarily what he or I might have wanted.
However, I'm intuiting all of this. Just like I was intuiting his feelings in the previous entry. He says that I'm pretty accurate in my understanding of his inner life. But what when I don't get it right. I do feel that he's going to go off and leave me. I do feel that he's thrown over any notion of our lives ever converging again. But without telling me. I do wish that communication with him wasn't quite so often like receiving bulletins from another planet or that I didn't have to do all the work ('cause sometimes it feels just like that).
Friday evening and he's gone and the house is empty and lonely and there on the fridge door, using our fridge magnet words, is a message
Love You
Divine Fabulous Friend