Bottom Lines
12 February

Today, I spotted the first crocus of the year flowering in the front garden. It is also the first day of this period of my life which I am going to spend living on my own.

In my head, I have known for months that there was always this bottom line where it would be best for Ross to go back to his parents and we have reached that point. He's getting physically worse to the point where the worry of supporting him has been eating me up and quite clearly he can get no worse medical support on Humberside.

So, he's gone. From the point at which we talked to his parents about the situation to the moment at which the door closed behind him has been just over 24 hours. And the speed f it all has just left me in a state of shock.

Oh, and by the way, I'm off work. My visit to the doctor's yesterday disclosed that I have a chest infection. So, I'm up to the eyeballs with antibiotics, ill and completely bereft. Sorry if this sounds as though I busy courting the sympathy vote but I really feel cruelly cheated. However my head might tell me that what has happened is in Ross's best interests (and to some extent my own), my heart tells me that life is shit and that the best relationship I have ever had has been dashed from my hands through no fault of my own.

I just wish we had talked more before he went but we both just clammed up with the hurt we were feeling. I wish we had hugged together, cried together, done a thousand things but suddenly there wasn't time for any of it and it was just about being brave and going through the mechanics of packing.

I know it may sound like doom and gloom but my instincts tell me that the next time that Ross sets foot in this house will be during the summer when he comes down with his parents in a van to retrieve all of his belongings and that that will be the end of everything, hopes, plans, the lot. It's just a real pisser.

This little house feels so big and empty and my heart is breaking.

Actually, there's another real pisser. Ross has taken the computer with him so God only knows when I'll get to put this out on the EJ. I know that that's laughable in comparison with the other pain. Maybe that's just an indication of how displaced and all over the place I'm actually feeling.