The Two Jameses
I'm not very good in the forgiveness stakes.
Let me give you an example from the late 70s. I visit my good friend of that time, Denise, in Manchester and she tells me of Ralph, a friend of hers, wit, raconteur and minor drugs dealer who had recently thrown some sort of wobbler with her. I can't remember exactly if there had been violence towards her but something similar had happened. I am outraged.
Three months later, I am back in Manchester for the long weekend that will culminate in the Daisy Bank Road Chocolate and Green Cabbage Acid Test. Denise is there, with Ralph and they are quiet reconciled and happy together. I am newly outraged. I hadn't forgiven him then. And I still haven't.
I guess I carry around with me some sort of atavistic baggage about loyalty or some such to those whom I call my own. It's a tribal thing. Hurt them and you hurt me. Hurt them and I want to hurt you in return. The French have a saying Tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner. I'm not so sure. I have a deep gut feeling that some things are unforgivable no matter how much you understand them.
And why am I meditating on this subject? Well, it's to do with the story of the two Jameses.
James I I've known for some 18 months now and have grown to love in an avuncular sort of way. James II entered James I's life last summer and spent the summer behaving badly towards him - someone for whom he claimed to care deeply. For example, I somehow rather think that pimping your purported partner to approximately 18 million people on the Internet whilst simultaneously advertising for other potential sex-partners in the same medium is not likely to be behaviour which is condoned by the League of Common Decency. And that's only the most public aspect of a tawdry little tale.
And what riled me most during all of this was (what I thought of as) James I's complete lack of self-respect. I was convinced that his best course of action was to simply tell James II to Fuck off. Nobody needs that sort of shit. But he stuck with it for a long while until they seemed to drift apart.
And now they're back together again. And I was quite prepared to go apeshit except that I've now met the man. So, it's just one meeting, some e-mails and a telephone conversation but he's no longer a stranger. And whilst I wouldn't say that I've become a fully paid up member of the fan club, I'm prepared to give him a chance. It's just that he seems so very eager to shine all the time (and the jury's still out as to how deep an insecurity that masks). Very wearying.
I'd like to say that I'm reserving judgement out of respect for James I's feelings. But I rather think that I just don't have the energy to sustain that amount of hatred.
I've threatened James II with physical violence if he harms James I again. And while this may not exactly be the most New-Man thing I've ever done, it does in some way reconcile me with my difficulties in forgiving those who hurt those whom I cherish.