Blame It On The Weather
6 February

If you asked me at the moment whether I am depressed or not, I do not know that I could give you a correct or an easy answer.

Or perhaps my answer is that I can could answer either or both "Yes" or "No".

And that in itself is depressing. I know how much I have not done or put off doing in the past few weeks. I know also how much I have avoided other people's company and not replied to emails or sat by the answerphone whilst someone's voice leaves a message.

I can blame it on the time of year and the weather. For nearly a fortnight now there has been no sun. It has been gloomy and, yes, depressing. Not just for me but for all around me. The skies have been heavy and leaden. Each day I have been checking the BBC 5 day weather forecast and each day all five symbols have been the same black cloud.

We have had no rain either. Certainly, in this part of the world, there has been little appreciable precipitation since before Christmas. We are lucky though. The reservoirs in the Pennines and North Wales are still pretty full. Down South, there is already talk of drought, particularly in South East where they rely on underground aquifers.

One way in which I know that I am less than my best is that part of me thinks that nothing has happened to Ross and myself. Then I start looking at this Journal and reflecting on the actualities.

For example, January saw Ross and I manage a substantial project whereby all of our sash windows were serviced and released and draught-proofing was installed. The whole scheme has taken some seven to eight months to organise and started with Ross researching some appropriate workmen through the English Heritage website. It has cost nearly £4,500 but that is comparable with putting in plastic windows which will fall apart in 5-8 years. Our windows should now last another 20 years or more.

We've also booked out holiday with P&O cruises and, this year, David and Rossie are literally pushing the boat out by cruising round the Baltic taking in Oslo, Copenhagen, Riga, Tallinn, St Petersburg, Helsinki, Stockholm and others. This will be in the nature of a honeymoon after our civil union and also a celebration of Ross's 30th birthday later in the year and a marking of our 10th anniversary together which will happen somewhere between Oslo and Copenhagen.

Ross is himself making great improvements of late. He has taken to being far more independent in his electric wheelchair. For example, last weekend he went out to the Health Food Shop on St Johns Road which is probably about half a mile away and he went on his own.

We talked about this. It is probably the furthest he has been away from a home base unaccompanied and under his own steam in about eight years. He's been building up to this over a period of about four months but he's gradually throwing off the shackles. Actually, my depression has helped. Every so often he goes out "to clear his head". When I asked about this, it turned out that there are times when my moods are so claustrophobic that he needs to get away from me. I think that this is great; firstly because he feels he can say something so real and secondly because he does something about it off his own bat.

Ross is also taking fewer afternoon naps. When he first came up to Liverpool, he had to take a two hour nap every afternoon otherwise he felt really crap. More recently, the nap has become the exception rather than the rule; he's up and about for a full twelve hours before needing rest again.

It has really got to the stage with his condition where even he cannot deny that there are definite signs of improvement.

As a treat to me, I've finally bought a grate for the fireplace in the music room and I have been enjoying real fires whilst listening to music. Call me an old fuddy-duddy if you like but, these days, I can achieve greater heights of pleasure with this sort of gentle relaxation than I can with most other forms of activity.

I've also been watching some DivX downloads. Capote has not yet been released in cinemas in this country but is widely available from a computer near you. It tells the story behind Truman Capote's writing of In Cold Blood and underscores the moral ambiguity of a man who was keen to get the story of a lifetime without considering the effect he was having on himself and others. Philip Seymour Hoffman shows what an astonishingly gifted actor he is in the central rôle but I never really warmed to the film whilst always acknowledging its professional merits. Three stars.

For very different reasons, I am giving Everything is Illuminated three stars as well. It is a much less ambitious film and tells a not very original story about the experience of American Jews tracing their roots after the forced dispersals of the second quarter of the twentieth century (presumably this was Elijah Woods' pay back film for all the money he has earnt off Lord of the Rings). But the film is told with visual verve and not a little verbal wit so that the narration is a pleasant two hours' worth.

I was really holding out quite large hopes for Thumbsucker. It seemed as though is was going to be as quirky as Everything is Illuminated but, when it came down to it, it was, as a coming of age story, about as generic as they come. A very good cast wasted themselves on a not very good script only moderately realised in the direction.

Exactly a year ago I was doing jury service and, during that time, I read a lot of books. Among them was The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Ross gave me the self same book as one of his Christmas presents. I didn't feel that I could tell him that I had read it on the day but I have now. Anyhow, I am re-reading the book and I am enjoying it just as much the second time around and finding it to be just as dense and slow a read as before.