I had a phone all the other week. It was from Robert.
Most of the call was about ordinary catch up type things, his work in Germany, his search for future work, his break up with his girlfriend Vivien, life, etc.
And then, at the end, came the request.
I want to see you for a talk.
I've known for some time that this moment would come. There comes a point in every man's life when he has to make some sort of peace with his father.
For me, the time did not arrive until I was into my late 30s, early 40s. Up until that point, I had tended to look down on my father, to condescend to what I felt was his lack of culture, to despise his reactionary politics, to denigrate and misunderstand and under-rate his achievements. Nothing spectacular, you understand, and much the same as many men of my age and class and education have gone through.
I've been lucky in that, at aged 51, my father is still around and has been around long enough for me to get to know him and understand him a lot better. Many people don't have that luxury. My dad had a minor heart attack in his late 50s. For many men, that is the the final crisis. If that had happened to us, I would never have been ready to get to know him and would have missed the opportunity.
I'd rather expected Robert to begin the process earlier than me - he's much more clued up about himself than I was at his age. But, I'd rather felt that it would come when he was in his early 30s. So, the request has come 5-7 years before I thought it would.
You may wonder why I couldn't have initiated this myself. Well, the answer is that the father can't. It's not in his gift to begin a process that is actually the son's even though it concerns him intimately. You just have to wait.
Robert hasn't said what he wants to talk about and I don't know in detail. But I do know, at the macro level, what he is after. I know because it was what I needed to know about my father as well. He has a need for clarity and understanding and context and history. Because, until he knows me, he won't know himself.
Some of our conversation is going to be emotional, therefore, and we've agreed that we don't want to spend much time cooped up indoors and will try to take some long walks together. I've already decided to let him set the pace about what we talk about but, if I'm correct that this is going to involve me unveiling a lot of my (and therefore his) back history), then I want to set a rule that we do it in a spirit that is not recriminatory.
We've organised for Robert to come up here for a couple of days' visit in July shortly before we head off to the Buxton Festival. I doubt that much will be resolved or completed. But it may be a necessary beginning.