Vespers
20 June

I'm into a rut -

that's a furrow, you understand, not a sexual frenzy.

In fact, the old libido is not what it was even twelve month ago. I don't think that this has much to do with turning 50 although Anno Domini must be beginning to take their toll. No, it's more to do with the ongoing clinical depression. That said, my little honeybun and I have probably already had more of the humpy nuptials this year than we did in all of last.

No, what I am on about is the channelled manner in which I am living my life at the moment. Up with the alarm, into work, get that done, back home, eat, television, bed, sleep, with the optional extra of housework and time with my honey at the weekend.

It's not much of a life really but it is getting me through a difficult patch. I can't pretend that I am enjoying life but I am not giving into it.

There is potentially good news on the horizon with interviews for a replacement for Dave taking place soon. I've been told that this is a good thing, which it is. However, when I responded by saying that my work would still be difficult for a few months yet as I induct a new member of staff, you would have thought that I'd pissed into the management's chips. At times, it does seem that all they want to hear is happy, happy talk with no balance whatsoever.

I've also had a bit of a stop go relationship with books recently. I'm not sure why I have been reading so much of late but I've been racking up the novels as though it's going out of fashion. Maybe, I'm desperate for other worlds I can lose myself in. However, I've stumbled with a few as well. I gave up on Don Quixote at about page 350 out of 800. I just couldn't get it out of my head that this wasn't the great adventure story that all the great commentators were urging me to see it as.

I fluffed Geoff Dyer's Yoga For People Who Can't Be Bothered To Do It because I couldn't take any more of the slacker mentality despite his being labelled by The Daily Telegraph, no less, as "Quite possibly the best living writer in Britain". Somehow, I don't think so. That's probably Julian Barnes. And I jibbed at Edmund White's The Farewell Symphony. Maybe I've read too many AIDS novels in my time. For once, Edmund White's finely chiselled prose infuriated rather than enthralled me.

Come Saturday night, Ross and I made a new journey towards some culture. Holy Trinity Parish Church, Southport was our destination and we were to hear the Southport Bach Choir perform Monteverdi's Vespers of 1610.

They were joined by a period instrument band (the Orchestra of the Golden Age) and His Majesties Sagbutts and Cornetts plus six soloists, James Griffett, Ian Partridge, Michael George, Stephen Roberts, Ruth Holton and Cecilia Osmond. When I was 19 and working at Merseyside Arts, I attended a lunchtime concert at the Chester Summer Music Festival with colleague, Pete Bevan, which featured Ian Partridge and his sister Jennifer on the piano giving Schumann's Dichterliebe. I can still hear the summery sound of that afternoon.

The Vespers are glorious and were gloriously performed - a sequence of pieces all about the Virgin Mary setting a variety of Marian texts including the Magnificat, the Ave maris stella and several Psalms and passages from the Song of Songs. The whole is a blend of ancient polyphony and new operatic style. I love the Duo Seraphim section where two tenor voices entwine and play off each other only to be joined by a third at the point at which the text talks of the Father, Word and Holy Ghost becoming three in one.

It was a most spiritually uplifting occasion and I feel that I need all the balm I can get at the moment. Four unhesitating stars.

One thing that has been rattling round my head these past couple of weeks has been prayer from Mother Theresa of Calcutta which one of the attendees read out when I went to Swarthmoor Hall back in May. Here it is for you now.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred;
        Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
        Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
        Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
        Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
        Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
        Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
        Be good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough;
        Give the world what you've got anyway.