Inner and Outer Lives
13 August
Well, it's been a quiet end to the week for me whilst in the outside world there has been turbulence.
I've been watching with dismay the events on the Paulsgrove estate in Portsmouth. Fanned by the climate of hysteria induced by The News of the World's campaign to name and shame convicted pædophiles, there have been demonstrations with placards urging death and mutilation. And the media have been there to record it all.
But no-one seems to be asking the interesting questions like "Why this estate?". True there have been attacks and protests at various places around the country. But none as consistent and consistently impassioned as in this location. What is the agenda? Whose agenda is it? What is the psychopathology of what is going on?
There must be a history here. One of the protesting women was identified as having been abused in her youth. Maybe there's a whole displaced agenda here of an estate reacting to its own knowledge of family matters that go back several generations. Maybe there are that many pædophiles on the one estate. Maybe it's all a generalised fantasy. Maybe there's a few old scores being settled along the way. Maybe it's a displaced way of dealing with the outsider or the different one by projecting your worst fear on to them.
And it would be interesting to know whether or not The News of the World is paying anyone to continue stirring up trouble. After all, we are in the middle of what use to be called The Silly Season (whatever happened to the general currency of that term) and, let's face it, the only other story that the media have on its hands is Big Brother which was conceived as a wholly media orientated event anyway.
News of my Rossi who's not been so well since he returned to London 10 days ago. Maybe it's a feeling of flop after all the hard work to get through the degree. Maybe it's a nervousness surrounding being on the cusp of getting into home ownership. Maybe it's the worry surrounding the trial that he will give evidence at in September. Maybe it's just a round of summer bugs - the others in his house have been under the weather too and London is torpid at this time of the year.
I got this e-mail from him.
Hi there,
Can't sleep because I had a nightmare and now I'm thinking about Barry's stuff so I thought I'd e-mail my lovely man instead of laying in bed tossing and turning...
Well it worked. I started e-mailing you and then got thinking about you, had a quick watch of our video and now I'm feeling happier and ready for bed.
Oh, I also had a look at WebLife and think that its really good - and it is creative whatever you think about "just doing it" - I just do sculpture...
Speak to you soon.
Love You Loads
Ross
-x-
So, my love's been in the emotional wars and the ailment zone. It's maybe a good reason for me not having been to London this weekend. I know I'm feeling disturbed as well. I'm having all sorts of dreams which seem to entail a lot of travelling around a bizarre urban transport system with a lot of anxiety about arriving on time and attaining the correct connections. I seem to want to smoke as well, which, given that I stopped in March 1998, only goes to show how deeply atavistic the disturbances are.
Just as I'd been saying to myself that the car was running better than ever and
that I would see about keeping it going until next year when the cost of cars
should plummet, I noticed a big wet patch under the chassis and discovered that
petrol was leaking all over the drive. Anyhow I didn't panic. I simply got the
AA in to look at it. The nice man fixed my hose, charged me for the part and
was on his way leaving me with a fully working car again.
I've had the survey on the house back and, not surprisingly, for a house that's over 100 years old, there's some work needs doing to the damp course. I'll be asking for an extra specialist dpc survey and then we'll negotiate from there.
I've been catching up with being in touch over the weekend. I talked with my dad only to discover that, in my mum's absence for the day, he'd been up on a platform doing repairs to the car porch. I tried as gently as possible to remind him that even 18 inches is a long way to fall when you're 76. What's the point of me being this close if I can't pop over to lend a hand. I hope I got across the point that it's not that I want to stymie his independence, it's more that I want to be included.
I got e-mail from Cambridge Chris, who seems very happy with life, and, out of the blue, from James, who is also much happier these days after the Boo debacle. He has a boyfriend, Paul (that was him on the right with the blonde hair), and is looking to buy a flat. Must get to see him soon. Talked briefly with Colin and he is well also. Gill seemed well when I spoke with her. Robert wasn't available as he had just jetted off to do snorkelling in the Red Sea. Keith e-mailed in and all was well there also. The major unifying factor was that they all want to visit when the house is fixed.
I've been doing some tidying up which included tearing up and throwing away insurance
documents for Barclay Road. In a recent e-mail
to me, Chris mentioned that he thought that
I'd been rather good at identifying keys elements of transition as I've charted
my path in the EJ over the past few months. Well, shedding that paperwork of a
past life felt like a real moment of letting go to me. On the other
hand I've also been sorting out with the Post Office to continue re-directing my
mail for another 3 months. This means that it's rising three months since I left
London. 
As the evening draws in (and how early they draw in these days) the rain is lashing
down and I'm listening to the Proms on the radio (Beethoven violin concerto and
Rachmaninov Symphony No 2). I've listened to more Proms this year than I have since
- well - maybe since I moved down to London. I did a mountain of ironing whilst
listening to Bach this afternoon and I've been battling with a sudden infestation
of fleas from the cats. Picking them off my legs
as I type and taking them through to the bathroom to drown in the sink. I've also
been battling with new installations of Eudora and IE5 which actually went well
apart from IE's decision to change all my set ups for me.
Oh, well another day
another training course.